You belong no place, you belong every place - no place at all. everywhere and nowhere - Maya Anjelou
Do you have that one friend who sings off-key during karaoke? It's just like something about the singing is off...well, of late sometimes my life feels this way.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for - lets see...on the list so far
Reconnect with old friendships and made some new ones
Got a lot of love from family and friends. Below pic of me and my dad off to see Dr Lee :)
I have material comforts, a roof over my head, clothes and food
I started dancing again and I think I look pretty good doing it
Got a bone marrow transplant, got through it well and now am home and doing well
Jesus loves me ❤️
So why ... you may ask do I feel like something is just not right?
🌈 New routines & beginnings 🌈
I prepared for the transplant - mentally, emotionally, physically. It was THE BIG GOAL - to walk out of hospital after the transplant. But nobody talks about what happens after you walk out.
I figured that practically everything now is a mini milestone in someway after the transplant
THE FIRSTS after 6 months in and out of hospital
🌿 I drove and went to do my nails - I had an emotional moment in my car before setting off on my way to the nail salon. I was worried that I might have forgotten how to drive. But it wasn't just that. Tears rolled down because I realised this was it. My moment of pause before continuing with the rest of my life after the transplant. My first time out by myself since I got sick. 6 months. I certainly had no idea that I actually missed my car. Specifically, it was what my car represented to me.
FREEDOM to go anywhere and do anything that I wanted.
AWARENESS Who was I? This bald girl driving this car? I actually stopped breathing and had a fight or flight moment. Then I remembered that I needed oxygen and breathed. I closed my eyes and visualised getting there in one piece. The visualisation was so effective it resulted in me getting the choice lot that I had seen with my eyes closed.
There were many such pause moments that day
My vaccination status had expired 2 months ago and being immunocompromised meant that I couldn't take the booster. So I had an excuse letter from my Doctor that would allow me entry to places. Walking into the shop, I tried to scan my trace together app but all it said was cannot read. Check your internet. FLUSTERED ... I whip out my Doctor's letter and waved it at the girl's face. She lets me in. Haha. Nobody looked at me weird. Including all the other customers, which was very nice. I wondered if I should have chosen a darker shade of polish to cover up those chemo stained nails of mine (see featured image here)
Oh, and the world certainly moved on since I have been in hospital. There was a guy next to me getting a mani and pedi complete with gelish nail polish! Wow!
🌿 First workout after 6 months! I went to a pilates trial session and woke up my sleeping muscles. First of all I checked that the place was clean and sanitised, purposely chose an off peak timing and planned my route there that day. However nothing prepared me for when I walked in. Needless to say I was the only baldie there. I looked around at most of the other well permed ladies and kind of felt out of place.
Also, I forgot to bring my Doctors letter and had to fumble through the many images in my phone trying to find the scanned version. The guard was kind enough to just let me pass. I guess I looked genuine with my bald head.
I was so nervous and tense. My muscles were shaky and I must say the instructor did a good job of easing me in and lossening all my tense muscles. I was supposed to exhale slowly and execute the movement. I was wondering how other people have such long exhales! Mine ran out halfway through the moments. Or sometimes I'd just forget to breathe! Literally my stuck moment.
I sent out an email and had fears that this new contact wasn't going to email me back. Immediate gratification at it's worst!
I have what I like to call ancillary issues - like some rash that appears and disappears, occasional hand cramping, dizziness. Like that. Sometimes I go into panic mode about them.
Wondering why my friends don't want to spend time with me, even though I announced 2 weeks ago that I am good to go out already. Deep down I know it is because they are concerned for me and want me to be safe.
I suddenly find that all my old clothes don't fit me or suit my new bald look. I constantly check to see if I gained weight or lost weight. Not so much constant weighing of self but wearing clothes to see if they are tight or not! Haha...
I discover that my shoes (specifically my heels) are peeling and have cobwebs due to 6 months of not wearing them! I have not checked my trainers yet!
A sudden love for online shopping. I want to replace everything I own! The cool bald look takes some working at you know? It's not snap your fingers and you become cool ok.
THE AH-HA MOMENT?
I stop my mind from wandering off this off-key singing mode
This is MY NEW SEASON
I am the captain of my ship. I get to decide which direction I want to sail it! With divine guidance of course.
BELONGING- Go back to the quote above
So where do I belong? Exactly as the quote above says. Everywhere and nowhere. In fact it does not matter. What matters? I am so very blessed to be given a second chance at life. I get to decide how I want to live it.
True Wisdom happens when you listen to the signs around you
BORING IS GOOD - says my doctor. I get to do every mundane thing with glee
Painting,baking and writing - all quiet and unexciting (boring and safe) but it gives me great joy and allows me to express my love to those that recieve my artwork, my baked goods and like you, those who read what I write.
Below are pics of books that I got that I want to read together or do things together with the kids and also some experimental art that I was trying. I have come a long way since those days in hospital where I used to video call my rabbit! Talk about pet therapy!
So yes, I am good and so blessed!
Btw - I have people who bought my ikan bilis and sambal sets during CNY 2 years ago who keep asking me when I am going to make them. Anyone else keen on them? Let me know. Think I am aiming for good quality, value for money, good comfort food. Like a once a month sale so there's no pressure for me.
SELL TO SPREAD JOY
That's the branding I am going for. Your thoughts on this? Do or don't do? Thinking of throwing in baked cashew nuts too. (pic below!) Comment in the comments section ok?
Thanks and have an awesome day!