Was trying to figure out what triggered it.
- Was it the impending CNY holidays and not really knowing which day, what time and how long I can be home for? By now I figured it out that whatever my doctor says, the plan can always change depending on how my body responds to treatment and such. Nothing is cast in stone.
- Was it because I had CNY food plans and even clothes for the kids all sorted out while I was in hospital and then realised I forgot all about towels? Yes! Towels. We used to buy new towels – bath and face towels, even kitchen wiping towels and replace them at the stroke of midnight during CNY? I am kidding. Not really at the stroke of midnight … but you get my point ya? I couldn’t sleep one night once I remembered that I forgot towels and had to ask for sleeping pill! OMG! And even though my mom had said it was ok, this year we don’t buy new towels because the old ones are still good. In my heart … I still wanted towels! It’s really strange…
- Was it because yours truly came in today and asked why I haven’t painted anything new recently? In context, he came in while I was having my red blood transfusion. Visualise this – left arm with the blood transfusing and right arm with the blood pressure band and pulse monitor on my finger. How to paint like that? Well technically it is not impossible. Just as I am typing now with finger monitor on my third finger on my right hand now. Good intentions and harmless questions?
- Was it because I had to suddenly fork out a sum of money for some unforeseen repairs that needed to be done on the home front? Being that this was something that I did not see coming and didn’t plan for?
- Or was I still suffering from the WHY ME syndrome?
As in, why I am the one who fell ill in my family? Why not someone else?
Why me syndrome may be a totally different thing for you. I’m sure we all have it sometime.
Yea…I’m a serial sucker for long term planning and nicely laid out plans. Just so you know.
Before I reveal the multiple-choice answer let me tell you the story of Ferragamo.
You see, Ferragamo was first given to me by one of my friends on a recent trip to UK. She got me a very lovely square Ferragamo scarf. I have since kept the scarf in my home drawer and put the red paper bag downstairs to keep.
Then I entered hospital for readmission.
The red Ferragamo paper bag first appeared again when I gave my doctor some kueh lapis to share. This was special homemade kueh lapis made by another good friend of mine. Before giving the cake, I took it out of the Ferragamo paper bag and replaced it with a clear transparent plastic bag instead to give to the good doctor. A cake in a Ferragamo paper bag? Weird isn’t it? Heeheehee.
Then I sent this paper bag home with some other things…
Next thing I know, it appears in front of me again. This time bearing some snacks, some aloe and a golden gel pen.
– Ferragamo paper bag peeping vicariously amongst my other bags on my room trolley!
So back to why I was upset.
Maybe good things keep wanting to come to me (like Ferrgamo) but I keep sending it away!
Afterall the 2nd and 3rd time Ferragamo appeared, it came carrying nice things to eat or use.
By the way, anyone wanting to send me more Ferragamo things, please. You are more than welcomed to do so! Hahaha.
So I was upset because of a combination of all the various reasons 1 to 5 listed above.
Some more so than others.
But mainly number 4.
Not being able to go home for the holidays? Lots of other people are in the same situation. I was recently asked to share my story with the girls in a home. Some of them don’t get to go home either. What’s even worse? Home may not really be home for some of them. My situation really pales in comparison.
Forgot to buy towels? That is something I just have to let go off. It’s like an obsession…the little Ms Perfect in me. Life carries on without new CNY towels.
The yours truly comment on my paintings? He’s just being nice…besides not the first time on comments. LOL. It’s actually quite funny. There is laughter sometimes. Like the time he comments on me being ang ang (red red) during CNY because I had a rash. LOL. HUAT lor…It’s something I can say I have but you don’t have? Red cos of the rashes…due to side effects of chemo.
I felt a sudden serious sense of lack or handicap. Have you ever felt that way?
Lack of funds, lack of resources, lack of knowhow to solve my “need fixing home” syndrome if I can call it that.
When I truly look at it, how silly I have been.
Before we go on, comment on the pic below and tell me what you see.
Anyone see gold ingots by any chance?
- What do you see?
Yes I was caught off guard. But money can always be earned back and the lack of funds is really FEAR.
So I returned to centre and my upset feeling calmed down
The glass is half empty, half full or overflowing. It is really how you choose to view the world around you.
Plus I have faith in God. This is my year of REST & ACCELERATION.
The Lord continues to bless me and his love for a wretch like me always moves me to tears. He has never given up on me so far and I don’t think he is going to. It goes to show no matter how low your lowest point gets you can rise above it. Praise be to him!!
Number 5 – WHY ME SYNDROME
WHY ME? GOD’s HIGHER DIRECTIVE…
The lyrics to the YouTube below resonate with me. Plus, if you look at the video, she’s bald too. Totally the rock it vibe. So very me, do you agree?
Do leave a comment or question! Love to hear from you.
You and me…us sane people! LOL!
Happy CNY Everyone!